American actor, director & screenwriter (1935- )
What people who don't write don't understand is that they think you make up the line consciously -- but you don't. It proceeds from your unconscious. So it's the same surprise to you when it emerges as it is to the audience when the comic says it. I don't think of the joke and then say it. I say it and then realize what I've said. And I laugh at it, because I'm hearing it for the first time myself.
WOODY ALLEN
Esquire, Sep. 2013
How could I not have known that there are little things the size of "Planck length" in the universe, which are a millionth of a billionth of a billionth of a centimeter? Imagine if you dropped one in a dark theater how hard it would be to find.
WOODY ALLEN
Mere Anarchy
I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.
WOODY ALLEN
Annie Hall
A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy ... with polio.
WOODY ALLEN
Shadows and Fog
God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.
WOODY ALLEN
attributed, Laugh Your Way to Grace
Sex without love is an empty experience ... but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
WOODY ALLEN
Love and Death
The film studios learned to our dismay but to their pleasure that if they spent $200 million making a film they could make half a billion on it. So they were not interested anymore in quality films.... They can't afford to be that risky at those prices. Consequently you're getting a lot of remakes, sequels, dopey comedies full of toilet jokes.
WOODY ALLEN
interview, BBC, 2011
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
WOODY ALLEN
"My Speech to the Graduates", Side Effects
I know what I think but I don't know how to put it into words. Maybe I could get a little bit drunk and dance it for you.
WOODY ALLEN
Shadows and Fog
See, I will always have this penchant for what I call kamikaze women. I call them kamikazes because they, you know they crash their plane, they're self-destructive. But they crash into you, and you die along with them.
WOODY ALLEN
Husbands and Wives
You can live to be 100 if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be 100.
WOODY ALLEN
attributed, The 2,320 Funniest Quotes
No, no, I'm a lowbrow. I read [Dostoevsky] more out of obligation than enjoyment. For enjoyment, for me, it's a beer and the football game.
WOODY ALLEN
"Woody Allen on Faith, Fortune Tellers and New York", New York Times, Sep. 14, 2010
History is the same thing over and over again.
WOODY ALLEN
interview, Der Spiegel, Jun. 20, 2005
Everything in life turns out to be a distraction from the real thing you want to do. There are a million distractions and when I was a kid I was very disciplined. I knew that the other kids weren't. I was the one able to do the thing, not because I had more talent, maybe less, but because they simply weren't applying themselves.
WOODY ALLEN
interview, Collider, Aug. 15, 2008
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
WOODY ALLEN
Without Feathers
I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.
WOODY ALLEN
Bananas
I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot.
WOODY ALLEN
Take the Money and Run
What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause!
WOODY ALLEN
Manhattan Murder Mystery
The history of the world is like: He kills me, I kill him, only with different cosmetics and different castings. So in 2001, some fanatics killed some Americans, and now some Americans are killing some Iraqis. And in my childhood, some Nazis killed Jews. And now, some Jewish people and some Palestinians are killing each other.
WOODY ALLEN
interview, Der Spiegel, Jun. 20, 2005
With a play, when the curtain goes up and people are in garbage cans, I know I may admire the idea cerebrally, but it won't mean as much to me. I've seen Beckett, along with many lesser avant-gardists, and many contemporary plays, and I can say yes, that's clever and deep but I don't really care. But when I watch Chekhov or O'Neill--where it's men and women in human, classic crises--that I like.
WOODY ALLEN
interview, The Paris Review, fall 1995