FUNNY QUOTES III

quotations to make you laugh

When I first read the dictionary, I thought it was a long poem about everything.

STEVEN WRIGHT

I Have a Pony


Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in Arkansas? They couldn't find three wise men or a virgin!

ANONYMOUS


A lot of kids across the country got the day off from school because of Halloween. I’m pretty sure this is why we're falling behind China. Not only did their kids not get the day off from school, they made all of our kids' costumes.

JIMMY KIMMEL

Jimmy Kimmel Live!, Nov. 1, 2011


A man in Thailand was arrested with more than 10,000 pairs of stolen underwear. Legal experts are expecting a brief trial.

JIMMY FALLON

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Jan. 31, 2012


I want to share something with you. The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number one: Cover for me. Number two: Oh, good idea, boss! Number three: It was like that when I got here.

HOMER SIMPSON

The Simpsons


Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, "No, thank you" to dessert that night. And for what?!

ERMA BOMBECK

Woman's Day Magazine, Nov. 13, 2007


They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!

PHYLLIS DILLER

attributed, Women in Comedy


I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

JOHNNY CARSON

The Tonight Show


Here’s what I don’t understand about rioting. If you’re going to destroy a city for no reason, why destroy your own city? Move one city over.

JIMMY KIMMEL

Jimmy Kimmel Live!, Aug. 10, 2011


There's lotion for your face, for your hands, for your feet, for your body. Why? What would happen if you put hand lotion on your feet? Would your feet get confused and start clapping? Each kind has something special in it -- aloe, shea butter, coconut, cocoa butter, vanilla, lemon extract. That's not lotion. That's one ingredient short of a Bundt cake.

ELLEN DEGENERES

Good Housekeeping, Oct. 2011


When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

PETER M. PLANTEC

Virtual Humans: A Build-it-yourself Kit


Beauty is Nature in perfection; circularity is its chief attribute. Behold the full moon, the enchanting golf ball, the domes of splendid temples, the huckleberry pie, the wedding ring, the circus ring, the ring for the waiter, and the "round" of drinks.

O. HENRY

"Squaring the Circle"


If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.

DOUG LARSON

attributed, Words from the Wise


My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

ANONYMOUS


I tried to hang myself with bungie cords. I kept almost dying.

STEVEN WRIGHT

I Still Have a Pony