JAY LENO QUOTES
American comedian & television host (1950- )
If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show
Stephen Hawking is getting a divorce. That's scary. If the smartest guy in the world can't figure out women, we're screwed.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, October 20, 2006
President Bush and Bill Clinton both agree that cloning is morally wrong. Clinton said that he thinks humans should be made the old-fashioned way -- liquored up in a cheap hotel room.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show
According to the Mayans, the world is supposed to end in the year 2012. Are you buying that? When's the last time you even ran into a Mayan?
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, January 4, 2012
There are now more obese people in the United States than there are overweight people. I think it's safe to say that after all these years, Diet Coke is a complete failure.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, January 12, 2012
Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, February 1, 2012
Marriage is grand. Divorce is about twenty grand.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show
According to the L.A. Times, Attorney General John Ashcroft wants to take "a harder stance" on the death penalty. What's a harder stance on the death penalty? We're already killing the guy? How do you take a harder stance on the death penalty? What, are you going to tickle him first? Give him itching powder? Put a thumbtack on the electric chair?
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show
According to the latest poll, a record 73 percent of Americans think the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news: Gas is so expensive that we'll never get there.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, September 6, 2011
Michele Bachmann said that if she is elected president, she would consider eliminating the Department of Education because "the states could do a gooder job."
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, September 7, 2011
The Mars rover Curiosity has sent back images of some odd things on the surface of Mars, and some people think they could be UFOs. Here's my question. If we're on the surface of Mars, aren't we the UFO?
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, August 22, 2012
Did you hear about the dog that was so high-strung, he developed a nervous tick?
JAY LENO
Jay Leno's How to Be the Funniest Kid in the Whole Wide World
A Libyan rebel has admitted to killing Moammar Gadhafi. He said he shot Gadhafi twice in the temple, to which Michele Bachmann said, "I didn't even know the guy was Jewish."
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, October 25, 2011
For the first time ever, women are scoring higher than men on IQ tests. Scientists say it has something to do with breast implants -- not that it makes the women smarter, it just makes the men dumber.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, July 19, 2012
The entire spring and summer line from Marc Jacobs was stolen on the way to the fashion show in Paris. The thief is considered armed and fabulous.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, November 17, 2011
Now they're saying all this terrorist activity could lead to higher oil prices. When asked why, the oil companies said, "Cause everything leads to higher oil prices." In fact, the price of crude oil could hit $80 a barrel. That's not crude -- that's obscene.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, 2006
I always tell new people in show business. I say, "Look, show business pays you a lot of money, because eventually you're gonna get screwed. And when you get screwed, you will have this pile of money off to the side already." And they go, "OK, OK, OK, you ready? You ready?" "I got screwed." "You got the pile of money?" "Yeah, I'm fine." I mean, that's the way it works.
JAY LENO
60 Minutes, January 26, 2014
The heaviest snowfall in over 60 years is being reported in Beijing, China. To give you an idea of how bad it is, the army is now using snowplows to run over dissidents.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, January 15, 2010
There is a nationwide shortage of drugs for Attention Deficit Disorder. The FDA says they're not sure how it happened. I guess somebody wasn't paying attention.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, April 25, 2011
And some sad news ... the first lesbian couple to legally get married in the state of Massachusetts has split up. They cited irreconcilable similarities.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, July 24, 2006