American talk show host (1947- )
You can now buy a pack of beer containing 99 cans. A 99-can pack of beer. Who says America has lost its competitive edge?
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, August 27, 2014
The new Dennis Rodman doll is $19.95, assault and battery not included.
DAVID LETTERMAN
attributed, Biteback Dictionary of Humorous Sporting Quotations
Security here in New York City is still very tight. Hookers in Times Square now are demanding two forms of fake ID.
DAVID LETTERMAN
attributed, The Biteback Dictionary of Humorous Political Quotations
Bring Your Child to Work Day -- that's how we got George W. Bush.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, Apr. 26, 2012
At the Apple store, the people waiting in line for the iPhone 6 were trampled by the people waiting for the iPhone 7.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, September 9, 2014
Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew is coming. You drink it, you get a combination of type 1 and type 2 diabetes.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, November 14, 2014
I saw a robin redbreast in Central Park today, but it turned out to be a sparrow with an exit wound.
DAVID LETTERMAN
attributed, The Mammoth Book of Comic Quotes
The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, Dec. 18, 2012
Don't use your bedroom for work, unless you're a prostitute.
DAVID LETTERMAN
"Top Ten Sleep Recommendations From The National Sleep Foundation", Late Show with David Letterman, February 3, 2015
Here's what we know about Santa. He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good. I think he's with the NSA.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, December 18, 2014
Airport screeners are now scanning holiday fruitcakes. Not even the scanners can tell what those little red things are.
DAVID LETTERMAN
attributed, Quotable Quotes: Wit and Wisdom from the Greatest Minds of Our Time
A guy in Pennsylvania was arrested because he was drunk in his golf cart going from bar to bar. So they arrested him. I said: Wait a minute. Isn't that golf?
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, December 12, 2014
I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, December 16, 2014
Congratulations to Chelsea Clinton. Over the weekend, she gave birth to a baby girl. The baby girl will not confirm or deny whether she's running in 2056.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, September 29, 2014
You'll never catch a nudist with his pants down.
DAVID LETTERMAN
attributed, The Little Book of Humorous Quotes
New York City has 2 million rats. We used to have 8 million rats. Now we're down to 2 million. You know what that means? We lose four electoral votes.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, November 7, 2014
Paul Revere had a time capsule. They opened it up after a couple of hundred years, and guess what they found? A stack of love letters from Barbara Walters.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, January 7, 2015
If it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.
DAVID LETTERMAN
"Letterman Lets His Guard Down", Esquire, December 1994
Nothing, believe me, nothing is more satisfying to me personally than getting a great idea and then beatin' it to death.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Night with David Letterman, March 5, 1993
Should I spend the extra twenty bucks for the sideburns?
DAVID LETTERMAN
"Top Ten Things to Consider Before Buying a Hairpiece", The Late Show