Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
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My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
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Sometimes when you think the storm is coming to rain on your parade, it's actually there to water your garden.
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Is "UGH" an emotion? Because I feel it all the time.
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I've never been skydiving, but I have zoomed-in on Google Earth really fast.
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Anger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind.
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If guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.
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Grandmas never run out of hugs or cookies.
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The man who stops advertising to save money is the man who stops the clock to save time.
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You'll never find a rainbow if you're staring at your feet.
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I'm not addicted to reading. I can quit as soon as I finish the next chapter.
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The day the power of love overrules the love of power, the world will know peace.
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Counting other people's sins does not make you a saint.
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Good girls go to Heaven. Bad girls go to Vegas.
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Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
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Paradise is not a place, it's a state of mind.
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I like rumors. I find out so much about me that I didn't even know!
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Those who wish to sing, always find a song.
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My alarm tells me you're in my house. My gun tells me not for long.
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Morning sex: proven to be more effective than coffee.
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